I’m beginning to have doubts on myself. My self-belief, my confidence level and morale are at an all-time low. I’ve gone through these kind of periods before in my life and they always stick out in my memory like a sore thumb and I thought I will never have to face them again. Why is it whenever I go out of my way to help others, there will always be those sitting on the fence who would doubt my sincerity to help with no strings attached??? Is it my robust and hands-on approach which is a turn-off??? Is it because I get the job done with no frills and spills that people see me as a threat??? Or do they hate me for being me???
I work not to be given recognition. I help not to gain popularity. I assist not to be hailed as a Messiah. I’m doing it for the love of Islam, for the sake of Ummah, for the betterment of my fellow Muslim brethren. I might be a complete stranger who came in with a bang, but I certainly am not someone who wants to be empowered or be glorified. Neither do I want myself to be recognised for my efforts. A groupie??? That’s even way off target…
Yes, I had expected that things would turn out as they are right now. I had foreseen it right from the start but I had hoped that people would look through it with a wider perspective, which transcends all doubts and distrust about me. It is extremely painful when after what you’ve done to help, you get mud thrown back at your face as a way of saying “Thank you!!!” And when someone doesn’t like you, even a joke would make you look like a bad person in their eyes.
Due to my previous bad experiences, the wife has always warned me to be prudent whenever I go out of my way to help others. Even an old friend told me once never to help others to the point of slaving myself. But like a glutton for punishment, I always get up for more, always putting the needs of others before me. Because why??? Nothing pleasures me more than seeing others happy and seeing that what they set out to do becomes a reality and not mere fantasy.
I apologise if my approach in assisting was wrong as I only know how to do it by being as gentlemanly, direct and honest as I can be. I apologise too if my presence is not welcomed. I do not wish to rock the boat nor the foundations that have been laid. I was merely helping the captain man the oars and letting the ship set sail with a firmer direction. If the men in the galley are opposed to my presence, then I wouldn’t mind walking down the gankplank and jumping off the ship to restore the harmony, spirit and camaraderie of the crew. I would just like to express my gratitude to the captain for letting me have the opportunity to assist all these while. May the ship’s journey be smooth and lead to many new discoveries and adventures in the years to come…
I bear no ill-will towards those who doubt me, my presence, my approach and my gumption to see the plans succeed. As I walk into the sunset, I can only pray that some day they would see that I had helped with sincerity, integrity and honesty.