Niggly Thoughts In My Head…
I so wanted to post something on Valentine’s Day initially especially seeing that a one paragraph entry I made last year became a hotly contested debate between the males and females over at my Multiply site. And I strongly felt the urge to post another one again and create another hoohah, especially since I saw so many of those in our community posting their lovey dovey notes in the newspapers yesterday. I just feel that no matter how much education we try to inculcate, spread around and share about the day and its significance, there will always be those that say, “It’s just a wish, no harm what???” or “Someone gave me a gift, I take lah…” and my personal favourite “Yang penting, niat…” 😛
I had half the mind to republish one article I read (that my ever loving wife shared with me), which strongly said, “Jatuh Murtad Kalau Sambut Valentine” (translated as “Apostacy If You Celebrate Valentine’s Day“). But that’s being too harsh and too judgmental on people and I’m not worthy of such things. And since it’s from Malaysia, where too many trivial things are being banned (think Yoga), I would not like to create another uproar in this domain of mine. So at the end of the day, I would just like to say, “Sendiri dah besar, dah tua, tahu fikir sendiri, beringat-ingatlah diri awak tu siapa dan pada siapa awak bersembah… Sembahyang tau, bukan sembah ayam!!!” Anyway, on to my entry…
This entry was done way back in 2007 mind you, but for some reason or another, I didn’t feel like publishing it and just left it in my draft section to collect dust and cobwebs. Maybe cos these days I have nothing much to fill this blog with, that I’ve started to dig up all the unpublished drafts I made and thought why not I try to publish them. I was doing a spot of blog-hopping sometime in July / August 2007, when I chanced upon an acquaintance’s entry. In one particular paragraph she asked and I quote:
When someone starts ignoring you, is it because that person:
a) is very busy with lots of other important things?
b) seriously dislikes you?
c) doesn’t want to be associated with you?
d) has been voodoo-ed to ignore you?
e) is pms-ing really badly?
f) is too caught up with personal issues that they forget about your existence?
g) doesn’t want to be disturbed?
h) recently got attached and is busy with the new partner?
i) is possessed by an alien being who doesn’t know you?
j) found a new friend?
k) is bored of you?
Whenever I’m alone and think of all the good times I used to share with close friends I regarded like my own siblings, I sometimes have these niggly thoughts in my head. In the past, we were close, seeing each other on a regular basis, have regular feasting sessions together, celebrating each other’s birthdays, go on trips etc. That was when all of us were still swinging singles. Fast forward five years on and some with kids in tow, meeting up seems to be quite a chore and almost impossible now, for reasons I myself have no clues nor answers to. Too many questions arise and linger in my head.
Sometimes I ask myself, have I done anything wrong to irk them??? Have I said things that may have hurt them??? Have I not been there when they needed my presence??? It feels sad sometimes when you get cold replies or one liners when you sms or email to say “Hi” and “How have you been doing???”. It’s like you have been totally scrapped from their lives and not knowing what you have done to be deserved of such treatment. I’m sure most of you out there have been caught in this kind of situation before and perhaps feeling the same thing as you read this entry of mine.
I know for one that this acid tongue of mine can be quite detrimental to myself as I’ve lost quite a few friends along the way because of it. But at the same time I know that my close buddies in the past too, know that most of the time I’m quite the happy-go-lucky person whose bark is only loud and not the bite. And I’m sure they too would admit that I’m someone who would almost always never fail to be there when they needed me, of which sometimes at the expense of time spent with my loved ones. Egotistical and strong-headed as I am, I know I’ve never fail to admit my mistakes and seeking forgiveness when I’ve realised the extent of some of my follies.
I miss your company, I miss your warmth, I miss the brother and sisterhood that we all shared in the past and above all, I miss your love. Me / us being married and having a family should never be a factor that we cannot turn back the time like before. In fact as we grow older, we should be closer even more as every minute that ticks by is a step closer to our graves. I wish they would tell me where I’ve gone wrong and how I had inadvertantly spoilt whatever good relationships we used to have, if any. Cos I personally hate the idea that I have not been a good and trustworthy friend to someone when I’ve always pride myself to be one. It is even more painful not knowing what I might have done to be given the cold shoulder.
My beloved brothers and sisters, wherever you are, I just want all of you to know, if you’re reading this, that my love and respect for you have never waned till this day and I hope some day we would reunite again. I would also like to take this opportunity to seek forgiveness for whatever wrongdoings I’ve done to you and perhaps for not being that person you looked for in a friend all these while…